Now, I can already hear you crying “How can Harry Potter be disturbing? It was written for kids, you crazy Viking lady!”
Well yes, dear reader, it certainly was. But if you have a strange and unusual Nerdic brain like mine, there are actually quite a few rather horrifying details that come to light when you think about them.
For a start, there’s the implication that all the people in the Hogwarts paintings appear to be trapped in a weird, nether dimension of art from which they can never escape. Ever.
Then there’s the fact that all the wizarding higher-ups seem to think that the best place for storing any dangerous magical items that Voldy might be after is the local boarding school, where all the innocent kids are.
And hey, let’s all make gallons of Living Death in potions class! One drop would be enough to kill us all, but what the hell, it’ll be fun!
But no, I am here to tell you that the creepiest, most horrifying thing in the Harry Potter world is actually Ron’s pet rat, Scabbers. Let me explain.
For those of you who don’t know, let’s have a quick delve into the back-story database. Scabbers was a rat which Ron inherited at the age of eleven from his brother Percy, who had progressed on to an owl called Hermes. For the first few books, the rat just spent a lot of the time asleep or in Ron’s breast pocket, until ‘Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban’, when it was revealed that Scabbers was actually Peter Pettigrew, aka Wormtail. Peter was an animagus, and had transformed himself into a rat twelve years earlier in order to escape after betraying Lily and James Potter to Voldemort.
So let that sink in for a moment. Ron’s pet rat, a rat which had been in his family for twelve whole years, was actually an untrustworthy man portrayed by Timothy Spall in the Harry Potter series of movies as looking like this:
If you’re not sufficiently creeped out by this point, let me present you with some facts to consider.
1. Ron got Scabbers when he was eleven years old, which means that Wormtail has watched him go through puberty, along with all the…erm…discretions that go with that. Ron let the rat sleep in his bed, so odds are that all the time Ron was experimenting with his newly-developed man-parts, Peter was there watching him.
2. For twelve years, the Weasleys have been cleaning up that man’s poo. Look at him again. His poo.
3. Let’s have a book quote:
“It was only when he was back in bed that it struck Harry that Dumbledore might not have been quite truthful. But then, he thought, as he shoved Scabbers off his pillow, it had been quite a personal question.”
Oh yes, that man up there was not only in Harry’s bed, he was on his pillow. Where he puts his face.
4. Try another one:
“Ron and Hermione joined Neville, Seamus and Dean the West Ham fan up in the top row. As a surprise for Harry they had painted a large banner on one of the sheets Scabbers had ruined.”
For the love of Valhalla, do we really want to know how that man ruined the sheets at this point?
5. Here’s a film quote:
Pettigrew: “Ron! Help me! I was a good rat, wasn’t I? Remember all the good times we had?”
This is getting creepier by the second. Ron and this dishevelled old bloke had ‘good times’ together, and it’s around about this moment that Ron must be realising that he’s going to need some serious counselling for years to come.
6. How about the Marauder’s Map? Harry is given this nifty bit of kit by Fred and George Weasley, and he is using it to violate his classmates’ privacy when he first spots a pair of footprints labelled ‘Peter Pettigrew’. Peter clearly shows up on this map under his own name, so does this mean that Fred and George never thought to question why their brother Ron appeared to have a strange bloke in his bedroom every night?
7. And lastly, bear this horrifying fact in mind. At no point in the books or movies is Scabbers shown to have been wearing little shorts or teeny underpants, which means that that man’s balls have been all over Ron’s hands, his shoulders, his bed and sheets, and Harry’s pillow, at the very least. And male rats have very large balls. Seriously, google it, they’re enormous. So if Peter was accurate enough in his animagical portrayal, his enormous rat-balls will easily have tea-bagged their way around the entire Weasley family, and been generously applied to most of their house too. Remember, he was actually an untrustworthy man who could recall his time as a rat – don’t tell me that if he felt the least bit slighted at any point during those twelve years, he didn’t drag his balls over a toothbrush or two. Look at that picture again. That is not a man who is beyond giving the cereal bowls a good nut wipe-down when he didn’t get his rat treats.
So there you have it. I guess we can just thank the six legs of Sleipnir that the Weasley’s weren’t responsible enough to get him neutered, because it’s fairly obvious that Peter didn’t even consider that predicament. And would going into hiding really be worth the possibility of having his Philosopher’s Stones snipped off?
I’ll let you be the judge.